There have been a slew of articles doing the rounds on Facebook this week on the subject of discouraging children from having best friends, like this one in the New York Times or this one in the Sun. There are always comments from the teachers advocating these policies that they are not saying children can't have best friends, just that they are encouraging inclusiveness and general friendliness. And I agree that is a good thing, but I don't understand several things about this move.
I don't understand why having a best friend prevents you from having other friends and making friendly approaches to others. Certainly children can be encouraged to do so *without* losing that special bond of best friendship.
And I really don't understand why children have to be protected from the pain of falling out with their friends. We have spats with our friends, our family, our life partner.....that is part of life. It's painful, but there's no way to get through life without experiencing it at all unless we do not have a close relationship at all. Which would be a poor and miserable way to live a life!
Hannah is currently curled up on the sofa with her best friend. As I started writing this, her friend had her head on Hannah's lap and Hannah had her arm round her friend. They spent all day yesterday and all day today together. They've had the odd argument as they always do, but after so many years of best friendship, they are used to that and are very good at resolving it and getting on with being friends again. They first met in 2005, when Hannah was 22 months old and her friend was 20 months. Her mother and I got into conversation in a soft play area and have also been good friends ever since. They've been to pre-school together, we've shared home ed days (I have L here one day a week at the moment although it used to be two days), we go on holiday together, we have sleepovers, they come to our family birthday dinners. It's special.
It's not exclusive. They have other mutual friends they enjoy spending time with, some of whom were initially L's friends and some of whom were Hannah's. They do drama and trampolining together so they have a fairly large circle of shared friends and acquaintainces..but they also do a lot of separate things and have other friends that the other only meets at birthday parties. They have, in fact, a normal friendship. Just like adults. Surely it is not that weird to have a friend you feel closer to, feel you can trust with your deepest feelings and concerns, have more in common with, share values with??? Should we all be aiming for a colourless existence where we get on with everyone but love none? I don't think so.
I like that Hannah has these close friendships. She has 4 special friends. L is one..more like a sister than just a friend (especially considering the squabbling and rivalry!)..they go back before memory and I hope that they can weather the storms of adolescence and stay friends for ever (it's a challenge, but not impossible...I have a good friend I;ve known since we were about 2 and our friendship has survived all our different life choices and deepened over the years).
A is the next; they met about 2 years ago and have a much more peaceful friendship. They have lots in common and can spend hours and hours in each other's company quite easily. O is another friend in this vein although we don't see her that often at the moment. And last but not least, B. We met her last year and despite a 4 year age gap, she and Hannah had one of those instant connections that feels a little like love at first sight. Although they maintain their friendship by email as we live in London and B in Leicestershire, I have a feeling that they will always be able to pick up where they left off as the best friendships do.
So here's to friendships, the ups and downs and all the brilliant potential of best friends!
