In which the elastic ties which bind us get a little stretchier!

I've been meaning to blog for a while about the nature of independence in a child. In common with many (most?) parents who come at parenting from an attached/gentle/responsive standpoint and many (most?) home educators, I've heard all the accusations of "you make her clingy!" "you have to let her go sometime!" and so on and on.

She was a very high need baby and so very slow to outgrow those needs. She chose to wean from the breast shortly after we took her out of school at five and a half. I had known this about her from very early on. I think she was about six months when I first commented that I'd still be feeding her when she went to school. If I really want to shock someone now, I  quite enjoy telling them that I breast fed her till she left school. Sometimes I tell them that happened when she was only five! She still likes to co-sleep and because she is petite, I was still able to carry her in a sling till she was about 6 (on rare occasions...sometimes she just really needed to be close while I needed to do something else).

More supportive people told me that if you meet a need it goes away and I firmly believe that, but at times it felt as though her pit of need was bottomless. I didn't see the "more independent" child that research suggests will be the outcome of a babyhood and toddlerhood of having your needs met by a responsive parent. Not for a long while. But no matter. I took as the foundation of  my parenting principles the idea that I would be *here* and that she could go and come back and go just as far as she could manage. I have no doubt that one day that will be to the four corners of the globe, I hope so. I certainly learnt a lot and created some wonderful memories in my travelling years. It's just that for a very long time the ties only stretched a tiny little bit.

The irony is the same people who complained about me holding her all the time and not making her "tough it out" when she really couldn't cope with the amount of separation school entailed are probably the same people who have fits and criticise me as a slack parent (which is why you really just have to be the parent you feel is right for you and your child..because you cannot bloody win!) now that she is 10 and *desperate* to prove her competence out in the world. I let her because all the time she has been glued to my side  like a limpet she's been learning the skills she needs for independence. I know her well enough to know that she is both cautious and sensible, but also where she needs a bit of reminding. We talk through situations that might arise and how to handle them, but ultimately you only get those skills by doing.

So the big things this week were her birthday treat and an accidental bus journey. Her birthday treat was to go to a lovely cafe at the top of our road (well, just across the main road, but there's a crossing) and buy milkshakes for herself and two friends. We know the cafe staff and they know her so I wasn't too worried (and it's holiday time so I don't have to worry yet about her being picked up by truancy officers). I gave her enough money to buy the shakes and a portion of fries to share and the use of my old phone so she could ring if she needed to and off they went. She did ring about 5 times but I think it was more about the excitement of being able to than needing to. She ordered, worked out how much it would cost and rang me to confirm her decision to leave the change as a tip. She did well. Later I could hear a relative muttering about how awful it was that I let her. I'm sure quite a few of them have their knickers in a twist over it, but tough. I love seeing her confidence and competence increase.

The accidental bus ride came about this morning when we were going to meet my mum. H has been *dying* to go on a bus on her own for a while now and I've not been sure how I feel about that one yet....but we got on a bus today and I didn't have enough on my oyster card, or any cash  on me. We were late to meet my mum so I told H to stay on and meet Ducky (long story, but what she calls her grandmother). I then walked up, ringing Mum on the way to let her know to look out for solo Hannah. I got there about 10 mins later and found them together. Mission accomplished.

So yes, there's some teally stretching going on there and yet, she still wants to sit on my lap half the day!