In which I wax lyrical about Hannah's drama school

This post is not about food (unless you count cake!). It's about Hannah's drama school and if you know me on Facebook, you may have noticed that I go on about it...a lot!

This is why.

To get why RAW is so important to me, you probably have to know Hannah beyond a superficial level as she is in so many ways hugely gregarious and socially confident. She is also a person who endures vast and often negative emotions. Like her father, she is prone to pessimism. Their glass *was* half empty but then someone came and *deliberately* kicked it over. (I daresay they find me with my periennial Tiggerish optimism and joie de vivre just as exasperating as I find their Eeyorish gloom.) Watching her at her riding lessons is often extremely uncomfortable for me; she always looks as though she is being led to her own execution! I offer her to stop any time she wants to but she insists she enjoys it...and I suppose she does, after her own perverse fashion. It is hard to see her slender frame weighed down by this expectation of misery and doom. I want her to find joy wherever possible, to exult in her own existence. She just doesn't.

Except for the day she accidentally went for a trial session at RAW. She wasn't meant to, although I'd always thought drama would be a good activity for her because she does like an audience! I just wasn't looking for it right then. We tried a trial at Perform when she first came out of school but it was way too soon and I am so glad now that that experiment failed. But her best friend was going for a trial and Hannah ended up going to "watch" and got drawn in.

When I came to collect her 2 hours later, she danced out, her eyes shining and declaring loudly that it was the best thing she had ever done (although it was not a huge surprise and very amusing to discover a year later that she had been invited to join in with the dancing and responded with "I don't dance!", then, on being told not to worry it was only a few minutes till singing started, "I don't sing!")

A year on and she still radiates enthusiasm in a way I have never seen before. She practices songs and dances constantly; she works so so hard to improve. This morning she told me that going to drama is like Christmas or birthdays. Every week she feels like that.

She has had so much to deal with over the past few years (the debacle of school, her dad's injury and long recovery) and she *worries* so much and takes everything to heart, so it is priceless to have found something that brings her this much happiness.

So that is why, collectively and as individuals, I love the people who make up RAW so very very much. I love how tolerant Jac and Dan are of her clingy affection, I love how she has great role models in the older students she admires, like Rosie. I love how much they appreciate her as the quirky individual that she is. I love how affectionate Sam is and how well she knows all the children as people. I love that they value effort and hard work as much as talent and I really admire the fact the Nicola has actually enabled her to sing. I love that they facilitate Hannah's friend's emotional needs because Hannah was like that only a short while ago and so many many people and organisations do NOT understand.

I'm sorry if sometimes this love manifests itself in a ridiculous sappiness that makes me look like an over-enthusiastic puppy slobbering on your trousers and I apologise to your waistlines that I so often express it in cake. But I love RAW and this is why!

In which real life provides material for discussion

is something I've seen on a lot of t-shirts and placards at home ed events and it's certainly proving true this week. I'd been trying to shield Hannah from hearing too much about what has been going on because it is challenging enough to get your head round as an adult. But it is all literally close to home. The tube station where Mark Duggan was shot is only about 5 miles from our house. We sometimes shop both at that retail park at Tottenham Hale and at the town centre in Enfield. And there was a shop looted and 3 police officers injured at the top of our road. I sat up half the night listening to sirens and following reports on Facebook while Hannah was sleeping, then tried to get on with normal life when she was awake, but today she became aware of what is going on.

It started on what would otherwise have been an idyllic afternoon. We went for a long walk in Epping Forest with the dog and some friends. Hannah and her friend found a small stream and paddled in it; they climbed trees and ran through grass pretending to be zebras. But away beyond the trees lies Enfield and from the Sony warehouse a thick black plume of smoke had been rising all day. It was unavoidable andmy friend, L, and I had to try to explain to the girls what had been going on. Man, that was difficult. And impossible to keep it from scaring the hell out of her. I explain as best I can, trying to tailor my own complex thoughts about society and state and police and family to the capabilities of a reasonably intelligent 8 year old. But I cannot promise her it won't come near us. It already has. and when we returned from our walk, my husband was watching the rolling news programmes compulsively so she was bombarded with images of shattered glass and fire.

In the end, knowing that there was no way to reassure her, we decided to be part of a solution, to be part of a community pulling together. In another part of the borough, the local MP was organising a Respite Centre for police and volunteers to come and have a cuppa and some cake (a LOT of cake actually..think a lot of people felt as we did, better for contributing something positive). So we went with some tea, coffee and biscuits to donate and offered our (well my) services to man the urn if needed. Tomorrow we are going to go through her wardrobe and her toy storage for things we can donate to a collection for the families made homeless in the first night's rioting in Tottenham.

I don't know how much she will have absorbed of the impromptu politics and history lesson, but she really wants to give things to children who have lost everything so I hope that she is taking away a very important lesson about who she is and her place in society.

In which I regret not being John Hegley

I'm reducing Hesfes to its component parts
By which I mean not only:
Taking down the tent and
Packing away the camping table,
The water containers, the mess tins
And the enamel plates and mugs;
Nor packing *all* the clothes,
Both worn and unworn for washing
Because it was so damp,
But also the bandanas and the copper bowls
And the friendships bracelets
And the friendships. That moment of
Spark as your mind meets another,
Joy explodes in the pleasure of like and like.
I'm taking with me addresses and phone numbers
And promises to see you again next year,
Intentions to do more, see more,
Take more photos, have *even* more fun.
Hannah dancing and still dancing,
Her temper in check, despite interruption,
All the very talented children,
Long conversations over coffee
Being roped to the chair by the dog
And after all that,
A little bit of envy that I am not
In fact John Hegley!

In which we bounce back

This blog has been quiet for a few months now. I don't suppose anyone noticed. But this morning I read a blog about being honest about the times that home ed doesn't go so well and therefore I feel I should say that part of the reason the blog has been quiet is that we have done sod all!

Although as soon as I typed that, I felt a bit Life of Brian and wanted to say, "apart from the activities...and the conversations about things and reading and watching documentaries and art and the socialising and the visit to Sutton Hoo, what learning have we done???"

But we have been building a new shed and therefore we cannot do easily do any work indoors. The table which is usually liberally spread with science experiments, paper, paints, crayons, fossils, books and half-finished projects is currently covered with the contents of the old shed. we've tried working at the coffee table and it is okay, but the puppy can get at things too easily. We've worked online and we've worked on a project at the library, but something about not being able to work at home makes me feel that we haven't done anything.

However, I am feeling very excited about the coming months because I am being made redundant. That shouldn't be a good thing, but it is. I only work just under 9 hours a week and yet that seriously gets in the way of stuff I want to do with Hannah. Already for the rest of the year post redundancy, she is going to be doing an archaeology course with the Museum of London, an art class and workshops about blood and roman costume! Very excited!

In which Hannah writes a song

Yesterday I went out in the evening and came home to find this, a song that Hannah has written lyrics to, in a notebook on the table. It's fascinating looking at the mix of generic song lyrics about unrequited love that don't fit with the spirit of the song at all and the clearly meaningful ones about wanting to be a rock star, not a fashion model (she spent the day yesterday with a friend who does want to be a model or a pop star or anything famous involving clothes and make up). I think it is pretty cool anyway and our friends who go to HESFES can probably expect to see her rocking the caberet in a few years' time!

Don't know where I am or how I got here
Even though I don't know where I am
I'm not gonna look back to the bad things
Look forward to the good things
And face the world with pride

Girls can rock the world and rock the stage
If you love someone but they don't love you
Gonna rock the world, gonna rock the stage
Go out there and fight some day

Girls don't have to be a fashion model
You don;t have be a boy to be a rock star
Girls can rock the world and rock the stage
Girls can rock the world!

In which Hannah meets Johnny!

Hannah has been a fan of Razorlight for years, influenced by her older cousin's liking for the song "America". She was 4 when she first owned one of their albums and just turned 6 when I took her to see them at the 02. Obviously we've missed them over the past year or so. But they are back and I had already bought tickets to see them at Guilfest in July when I noticed on their Facebook page that they were going to be busking at St Martin in the Fields yesterday evening as part of the Big Issue 20th Anniversary event.

I was in a complete quandary. I wanted to go. I knew Hannah would love it. But we'd had a couple of really busy days and she was supposed to have a swimming lesson at that time. But she'd love it and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and we can swim any time. But the dog would be on her own for too long. But I wasn't certain exactly where it was. But, but, but!

Eventually I ran the idea past my friend Louise when we met at home ed group. She suggested I leave Hannah at group with her and go home to walk the dog, before picking Hannah up from her house and going into central London. Brilliant! So we did that, arriving at St Martin in the Fields about 5pm. Still not sure where it was actually going to happen, we were reassured by a drum kit set up in the courtyard. We sat down and got chatting to a very nice Italian lady in incredibly funky shoes. Hannah complimented her on her outfit (ha, don't think she has no social skills, do you...see very ranty post!).

We waited a long time. Well an hour is a long time if you are 8 and desperate to see your idol in the flesh! I can remember perfectly well what kind of state I would have been in if offered that opportunity to meet Curt Smith. In the interim, Hannah was interviewed by a journalist and we made friends with some scaffolders from Margate, and she filmed a police incident! Then finally Razorlight arrived. One minute everyone was sedately sitting around the edge of the raised stone platform, but Johnny wasn't having that and called us to come closer. We ended up no more than 3 feet away from him! Our scaffolder friend drew his attention to Hannah and when they sang America, this happened.

At the end we got a photo with him and his autograph! Hannah is planning to photocopy it and have it framed to go on her wall! She was on cloud nine for the rest of the evening! So glad I made the decision to go...definitely would have regretted it if we hadn't!

In which I rant about rude people

I'm just warning you in advance that this is yet another home educator getting hot under the collar over the bloody socialisation question!!!

I was going to call it the "dreaded" socialisation question, but I don't dread it. I think, given the unbalanced and highly biased image of home ed presented by the media and government, I cannot blame people who have never encountered home ed as it *actually* is for being concerned. And presumably, if their own children go or went to school, they *do* do most of their socialising with people in their class...school takes up a large part of their life. I am always happy to enlighten people as to the reality of this home educated child's social life...which is there is a hell of a lot of it.

So when I told this woman (a dog-walking acqaintance) that Hannah is home educated and she trotted out that old chestnut, I didn't get defensive. I told her I understood why the image of home ed in the media would lead one to think that, but actually.....and followed with a list of all the opportunities Hannah has to socialise with her friends, drama, home ed group, horse riding, music lessons etc etc etc.

"She sounds thoroughly spoilt!"

How I stopped myself from saying "fuck off" I don;t know. She is *lucky*, yes. We couldn't personally afford to do all these things for her; we are very fortunate in having relatives who offer to pay for some of the more expensive activities. but if she didn't do those things, I would still be doing what I do, scouring listings, museum websites and email lists for things that she might find interesting. And yes, I go to some effort to take her to things. But a) so do parents who send their children to school pay for activities and take them places...it has nothing to do with home ed and b)it's not all about her. *I* enjoy them. So sue me, I get personal gratification out of having fun with my child!

But what hit me most is *how* exactly is it acceptable to say to someone that their child is spoilt, when you barely know the person you are speaking to beyond the most casual acquaintance and have never even met the child in question. I wouldn;t dream of saying something like that, even to someone I knew very well. Somehow I don't think *Hannah* is the one lacking in social skills!